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Ask Anna

Dear Anna,

I have a lot of stuff on my mind and feel like nobody understands because when I think about it I think I'm just plain out insecure. I mean why am I feeling like this?
First of all I'm only in high school but I think I'm so in love but me and my boyfriend argue so much and when it comes down to breaking up we just can’t do it. I mean I love him so much but my mom says that we are getting too serious and we shouldn't be acting like that.

My mom said that I'm going through the same stuff that she went through for 20 something years and yet I'm still in high school and I'm going through it.

I mean I notice it and I would like to take action and snap out of this high school romance. I don't want to break up with him because when he tells me that he loves me, he looks me right straight in the eye. And I can't do the same because it's hard for me to look people in the eye and say something that I mean, that's just not me. I guess all I want to know is this love for real or is it just another one of those high school things?

I don't like feeling like this because it makes me feel like I need some counseling, I mean I'm still in high school and yet I feel like I want to be with this guy for the rest of my life. I just need some real advice and not just another chew out by some adult who says "oh yea I been through that, you guys will get over it..."

I just don't want my heart broken again because that's not a nice thing to go through and how do I get rid of my insecurity? How can I make my boyfriend understand some things?

And please don't tell me the same stuff you told me last time. That just made me feel even worse, how can I get over the past? I have a strong feeling that I'll be going through this for awhile plus school's going to be starting and my boyfriend just has to be so damn girl crazy, last year he made me feel like one ugly duckling and made my self-esteem go down to it's lowest, so is he going to do that again?

But I’m going to go now because it's really late, so please tell me something good.

Dear wants to hear something good:

It's good that you know that the relationship is out of whack. It is good that you are honest with your obsession of this guy. It is good that you are young.

I am not going to tell you that you are not in love because that would be a presumption that I cannot make for you.

I can tell you that when you really look at this guy, and see him flirt, which is nothing less than showing no respect for you as a woman, then you have to reassess who it is you are in love with.

I can tell you something else. Practical words: young men have so much testosterone coursing through their veins that they will say anything to get laid. They will tell you they love you, and that they will spend the rest of their lives with you, that they want you to have their baby, that they want to take care of you, whatever they need to say little lady to get into your pants.

Love is in the action of loving. It is kind, generous, respectful and honorable. It is quiet and forceful and the most powerful emotion in the world. But it is not demanding, petulant (whiny), and demeaning.

When a man demeans me and our relationship by pursuing other women, when he talks down to me or embarrasses me in front of others, when he raises his voice to me in anger then I know he is not in love with me no matter what he says.

I know that he doesn't even like me, and I don't want to be with anybody no matter how I think I feel about him, that doesn't even like me and is not proud to be with me.

Don't set yourself up for heart break. Look how he treats you. That says a lot more than a man with just sex on his mind.

Good Luck! I hope I helped you find your way. Honesty with self beats all the rationalizations in the world!

Dear Anna,

How are you today? I hope you’re doing good. Well for me I'm okay.

I just wanted to write you another letter and ask you some questions that I would like to know the answers to.

I hope you can help me out and fill me in on some answers.

First of all my Grandpa died years ago but before he died he buried some coins out on his land and spent many years looking for them, he could not remember the exact spot. My family and I went out to his land, two summers now, looking for them but had no luck in finding them. Do you see us finding them any time soon? If so, do you see the vicinity of these coins? And will these coins help my family in any way? We dug in several different spots but found nothing. Are we digging in the right area?

Second of all I like to travel and do new things. I want to learn more about other cultures and countries.

Do you see me going on any trips out of the country next summer? And if so do you see me finding money for this trip? Will it be a good experience for me?

Well that.s all for now so thank you for you time and I hope you could help me out.

Diggin' for Coins

Dear Diggin'

It really helps to have a metal detector. I hope you have one to use. I do see the area where the money was hidden a long time ago:

There is a large boulder or rock about 25 yards from where he dug the hole. The boulder is located about three and one half miles from the fence line close to where you have been digging. There were some bushes and shrubs in that area a long time ago, but now there is nothing but tall grass. There may be the remainder of a tree very close to where you should dig. Dig deep, because the wind has changed the depth of the soil.

If you want to see other countries, continue in school until you graduate, then look into the Peace Corps.

They specialize in small rural areas in third world countries in the heart of indigenous people.

Good Luck on the digging and the trip.

Dear Anna,

Since discovering your column over the internet, I've been enlightened by much of the advice you provide to the multitudes of readers. I am honored to be one of those who have found admiration in your insight.

Here is my inquiry: I have been married for 16 years and I have four children with my husband. Though I am Native (Lakota) my spouse (Latino) is not.

Though I have always believed that our differences have not bothered me, with a recent issue, I now have doubts.

Within the past year, or so, I have met a man through work that I have much in common with, the most substantial is that he is also Native (Lakota) as well.

We communicate a lot over the phone and by email. He has met and knows my husband as well as me.

Somewhere along our discussions, I had developed feelings for this man. And judging by some of the innuendos, this man may have feelings for me. The bad thing is that my husband found out about my feelings because he read my journal. When my husband asked, I told him the truth. Expectedly, this caused problems between my husband and the co-worker.
They don't get along,which is understandable.

Talking to my friends about this, they are good to advise me to continue with the marriage and forget about the coworker.

The thing is, my feelings for this co-worker are very strong and I can't stop thinking about him, or the things he has told me. I also can't help but to consider how much we have in common.

His influence over me is very strong, and though I've resisted temptation, I wonder if in the future I'll be able to continue to resist. So my question(s) is/are, how can I forget about this co-worker? If I am doubting my marriage to a non-Native, what can I do? I feel that if the opportunity presents itself, I would greatly consider leaving my husband for my co-worker.

Since I hold your advice with great depth and insight, I welcome and appreciate your words of wisdom.

Thanks for providing wonderful perspective for people like me.

Confused About Relationships

Dear Confused:

I don't know how wise I am, but I sure can recognize the ingredients for your confusion.
You have found out a truth about yourself. You would prefer the company of someone that truly understands the Spirit of Lakota compared to someone that doesn't.

Now, for the brass tacks. Brass tack one: If this man (the co-worker) was a woman and there was no sexual attraction would you leave your marriage for the friendship?

Brass tack two:
Are you unhappy in your marriage? Do you feel alone inside of it? Do you use the disparity in culture to belittle or demean what you think about your husband? In other words, do you blame him for not understanding?

Brass tack three:
Are you looking for an excuse to exit your marriage? Do you really need one?
Ouch. Those tacks hurt. This is what I see: You have an allegiance to your husband. You do not want to hurt him and you do care about him and his feelings.

You have a soul resonance with the co-worker. You can feel him. This makes life complicated.

There is no easy answer. It is not going to hurt you to be friends with the co-worker. Take it out of the dream state and put it right in front of yourself.

Open your eyes, heart and mind to the truth. There is no guarantee that this man would be with you for the rest of your life. There is no guarantee that he would understand your family and your children. There is no guarantee that it will work.

Now, where are you?

Is it this man or is it your marriage? Take a good long look.

Please don't make any decisions until a year has passed.

Then, if you still feel that another man is the answer to your problems, take action.
My heart goes out to you. It is not easy to be wed to a person that sees life differently, and does not, because of culture, have the same reference point for attitudes. It makes marriage a challenge.

However, it is not insurmountable.

A kind and open loving heart can bridge any differences: cultural, language, religious, social and economic. It just takes a decision to get through it and two open minds and hearts.

Dear Anna,

Hope all is going well for you.
I saw you about two weeks ago and I know you told me to hold off on my "wandering eye" but there is this guy whom I'm interested in. I was wondering if he felt the same?
I keep having these dreams of my partner with another woman, is this just because I feel the need to "stray." Please lead me toward the right direction.

Need Advice

Dear Needs Advice:

Try this on for size: Stay where you are until you make a decision not to be there. If you have an affair, you will be caught, your life will be hell, your family will be angry, you will be embarrassed, and everything appears from every one else's point of view to be your fault. It will jeopardize the custody of your children.

So, if you want out, then, get out. You will then be available to date anybody that you want to.

To involve someone else in your marriage, possibly get him assaulted, possibly get yourself assaulted by some woman that is with him, and create that kind of chaos is just silly and a little crazy. Try a calmer method.

Make a decision to be present in your current relationship or to leave it. Then, if you decide to stay in your current partnership, be honorable and treat him honorably.

One of the Basic Lakota Values.

If you leave, then do as you will. That is what single is.

Good luck and blessings to you.

You can email Anna Bee your questions at or fax to (605) 685-1870, or write to PO Box 386, Martin, S.D. 57551.
All requests may be subject to publication.
Clearly mark Ask Anna on your request. This column is meant for entertainment purposes only.
The Lakota Country Times owners and employees have no liability regarding the answers provided. Allow two to three weeks for an answer to Ask Anna inquiries.

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